11/12/21

"Extreme" Peanut Butter!

Introducing…extreme peanut butter.  Yes, folks, this is not your average peanut butter, this is EXTREME peanut butter.  It not only sticks to the roof of your mouth but it actually attaches your tongue to your cleft and keeps it there for at least 17 minutes.  That’s right, this peanut butter is so peanut buttery that it will cause a piece of you to stick to another piece of you.    This will slow down your eating process and allow you to keep the taste of peanut butter on your palate for a longer than usual peanut butter experience! That is extreme.

Our peanut butter is so smooth and creamy that it will actually MELT the knife with which you are spreading it.  Make no mistake, the more you spread, the quicker your knife will dissolve. We consider this an excellent way to get additional iron into your diet. A high protein high iron food that you can easily spread on a piece of toast?  That is extreme. 

But wait, there’s more. If you like the chunky version, we have that too.  But be prepared. The chunks are more than just simple chunks of this luscious legume.  They are actually petrified pieces of peanuts that have been around for over 160 years and they will satisfy that need for crunch and chunk that you long for on certain days.  That is extreme.   

And the way our peanut butter meshes with jam? Well, you may not even want to stick around.  This peanut butter essentially is the one and true soul mate of all jams, jellies and marmalades.  It will start to make love to any jam that you slather on a slice of bread, be it baguette or 12 grain.  You did not just mis-read that last sentence. The jam and the peanut butter will begin copulating on your Orowheat right in front of you without any inhibitions.  It might make you uncomfortable at first but it is an amazing site to see.  That is extreme!

Lastly, our peanut butter can read.  It’s true, folks!  Our peanut butter is able to read books and magazines.  This was not planned, but just simply came about during our manufacturing process.  One day in the processing plant, we found our peanut butter reading its label aloud and we knew we had something special.   Bring your peanut butter on short or long road trips with your children and have it read them stories in the back of the car so you and your partner can have a conversation.   When your children tire of hearing our peanut butter read to them, you can invite them to eat it, which will also keep them silent for at least another 17 minutes (see above).    That is not only extreme.  That is miraculous.



 



6/27/21

On the Theme of RED

 



Are you ready,

to hear what I read on Reddit?

A red hot story of crimson truths about why our fiery future may not be so rosy.

This ain't like the heat of salsa, gazpacho or cayenne pepper, but rather...

Lava filled lungs, sunsets blazing and ladybugs gone.

Blood stained corporations, dripping rubies, who run red lights and say they are green,

cherry-picking news sound bites, and shaking their cock's comb while they crow "progress."

No one is coming to the rescue.  Not Santa Claus.  Not the fire engine.

No one notices the STOP sign.

2/10/21

Notes to Self #14

 Notes to Self:

1. It's not a big deal that you put the sock labeled "L" on your right foot, and the sock labeled "R" on your left, it just may be a good idea to stay mindful of your attention to detail.

2. While showering with Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Castile soap is like a lively ride on a stick of Wrigley's, it may not be optimal for certain areas of the body. Careful.

3. Keep up your fight to rid the world of leaf blowers even if it means awkward conversations with neighbors, random strangers, and surly chaps who sputter "I work for the city, lady.  Call THEM." 

p.s. Call them. 

Love, Me

2/3/21

Notes to Self #13

 Notes to Self:

1. So what?  Your Dentist told you he wouldn't work on your mouth until you sought counseling for your dentist-office-anxiety. I'm sure this happens to 7% - I mean - 47%-  of all patients?  Maybe the hypnotherapist he recommended could be a good thing.  They might also help you like zucchini and reduce the need for your nightguard.

2. The next time you decide to purchase a powdered mushroom beverage, be sure to consume within the year so you aren't faced with sipping a mug of hot water with large turd-like pebbles floating in it. 

3. Jury duty might be interesting. No matter that your "excuse" for getting out of jury duty was rejected by a clearly very uncompassionate Seattle Judge. $15/day is still $15! 

Love, Me

2/1/21

Notes to Self #12

Notes to Self:

1. It's not too late to get back to your goal of learning Spanish, even if your original enthusiastic proclamation lasted only one day. (Ok, two days, but the second day was mostly spent memorizing words for the vegetables you were hoping to buy at the Farmer's Market from Cabrera Farms)

2. Using that massage machine you bought in 1999 at a street fair may not have been the optimal way of addressing the wad of seized muscles around your upper spine.

3. How many staplers does one actually need? Right now you have five, and while, yes, they ARE all a little different, adhering pieces of paper to one another is not a regular necessity in your life. Should it becomes one, A stapler is likely to suffice.

Love, Me

1/30/21

Notes to Self #11

 Notes to Self:

1.  Grey hair is cool. Grey hair is distinguishing; Grey hair indicates wisdom and lived experience. Those do all sound great, but it's also ok if you are just not that delighted with watching your head turn a different color.

2. Sometimes a little moping is ok, especially when it means that a lot of laundry winds up getting done.

3. There's a good chance you may have more lip balm than you actually need.  Just something to think about the next time you are in the checkout aisle.

Love, Me

1/28/21

NoTES to Self #10

 Notes to Self:

1. Be sure to check the labels of the fashionably patterned and vibrantly colored shirts you pick up at Goodwill for something that says "maternity" before bringing them home unless you want to look like a human kangaroo.

2. Certain plants need to be watered every few days.

3. Turns out, when you write more than ONE note, you need to title these entries "NoteS to Self". Details, but important to grammarians.

Love, Me