Dear Children,
This notice is to announce that gum has been officially
banned in the household. Why? Well. First off, you look terrible when you
chew it – like a cow, like a street worker, like someone who is de-classe and
has no manners.
Secondly, it gives off a
terrible odor of artificial junk. Double Mint Gum is the exception here, but we’ll address the problems with that
momentarily. Bubble Yum, Double Bubble
and Bazooka are never even to be mentioned to me. Their sickly sweet, fake scent is enough to
make me tear my dissertation out of the typewriter and gather that steaming
saliva ridden ball of crap out of your mouth and throw it all in the
garbage. You don’t want to do that do you? Did you hear me? I am writing my dissertation on a typewriter. That means it isn’t saved and I’d have to write it all over again. It’s 1978 and no one has computers, not even
you, so the fact that I am lording my typewriting angst over you may not really have an impact,
because you will actually be writing several papers on this same typewriter in a few years with no clue that a computer is even possible or that "backspace" is a word, that
has nothing to do with the Starship Enterprise commanding space to stay
back.
