12/2/23

How I Feel about Squash In Winter Time

 It always feels like a good idea to buy squash. It's seasonal, stays for a while outside the fridge and is incredibly nutritious.  And then it comes time to figure out what to do with these petrified cultivars. They are rock hard, unyielding, take time to cook and contain a shocking quantity of seeds embedded in their squashy fascia which requires extensive dissembling.  This ain't something you can just bite into like a carrot out of your shopping bag. It takes preparation, thought and creativity.

I want to feel accomplished when it comes to being a wise squash woman but somehow I always fall short despite my best intentions.  I'm too impatient to bake it, my wrists are too weak to hack into it, and I'm too frozen to think easily of a flawless yet effortless recipe.  So I stare at it and think about cooking it. It makes a lovely center piece and dancing partner.



7/17/23

January 10th, 2097 - Going back to Beehive

 

January 10th, 2097,

Dear Diary,

Another treacherously hot day here in Burlington, Vermont.  I ventured outside in spite of the heat because I was hungry and our supply of dried crickets and thimbleberries was getting low. Besides, I hadn’t spent a lot of time in the western part of our domain and thought I might find some others who survived the great fire and could have resources to share.  Plus, the mosquitos would probably be out, and I could perhaps cobble a quick protein snack on the road to my destination, whatever that was.  If not, surely there would be a few bark beetles hiding somewhere that if I had the strength, I could extract from some of the nearby dying trees.

I found myself on a path surrounded by what looked like it might once have been a series of wooden structures, now just foundations, really with a few remnants strewn about from some kind of former mini village that had long been abandoned: part of a red wig, a torn piece of  paper displaying what looked some kind of sheet music for the piano before they were all destroyed. I could just make out the title “Feed Me, Seymour” at the top, a can of paint and a metal saw with an old electric cord.  I put the saw in my bag.  There might not be any electricity, but who knew when the blade might come in handy for something. 

I continued down the path, hot wind blowing through the one of two tattered  t shirts I had left, carrying with it  rocky dust from the road that hit my skin and made it itch.

100 feet ahead, something caught my eye.

It was an old and long rectangular cabin, but without a roof and only part of the walls intact. At the front, although bent and upside down, was a plaque somehow still hanging from a half bunt beam.:  Beehive, it read, and  was accompanied by a poorly drawn picture of a beehive – one bee flying to its side.  I had read about bees and seen photos of them in a book my grandmother had decades earlier, but had never actually seen one, maybe once or twice in my childhood,, but they had been ambling slowly on a branch and not buzzing about  with the purpose and drive the book had spoken about. 

Had this been a large holding space for these long-gone creatures?  I stepped further into the area and noted a rusty box spring to the left and part of a mattress to the right.  Something shiny stuck in the box spring made me take a second glance.   A brown, white and blue wrapper.  There were letters on it that were spelled “Snick”, but the rest seemed to be torn off.

Further down there was an area that looked like it had been a porch overlooking  a series of now blackened forests  and a puddle of water that had once been what I think I hear was Lake Champlain.  The railing was just barely intact but I could see carved "BLC forever."  I stood there looking down at what I imagined had once been a beautiful view.  Who had been there?  What were they doing? Something about it felt familiar.   The scent?  The uneven floor boards?  The faded graffiti and scribblings on the wall: Beehive 87 – It's heaven. I read.  Becky is COOL.  Jenny and Greg Forever encircled by a sloppy fading heart.  

As I looked around, I could make out clues of life once present there, a cigarette butt filter in a corner; a grey plastic hairbrush, missing ¾ of its bristles, part of a lipstick top.  I imagined girls here, smoking on the porch, singing along into their hairbrush microphones  to songs on the radio, experimenting with how magenta gloss made them look just a little bit more sophisticated.   I hadn’t seen any of these items  in many years. Mostly they just didn’t exist anymore,  but for a moment I could dream about them and picture a life when they did.   

It was time to go.  There wasn’t any food there, and  I only had so much energy for wandering without purpose.  I turned to leave and walked slowly towards the front of the cabin.  I couldn’t help noticing on one wall on the right, written in bright red indelible marker, the kind you use when you want to be remembered:  “Mary was here”.

2/17/23

This Year Will Be Different

 




2023

This is the year that things will be different.  This is the year I do less.  The year where I will not rush.  I will not run to yoga  I will not brush my teeth as quickly as possible while also trying to complete 20 squats or clean the sink. No more multitasking, unless the hair dryer falls off the shelf like it did last week during a vigorous tooth washing session and I needed to catch it.

 I will leave 10 minutes earlier for everything, including events where I’m not even required to be on time, like taking a walk in the neighborhood or picking up more toothpaste from the drug store.   I will take deeper breaths while working, inhaling to the count of the number of emails in my inbox.  And I will unsubscribe from at least one email list daily, starting with Booking Buddy  because the sales are never as good as they say, and Poshmark clothing, because there are way too many buttons on their shirts, and Pennsylvania democrats because I already made the phone calls for John Fetterman and he won. I’m also going to unsubscribe from Julie and Hannah, the dynamic duo  that initially sounded like unstoppable essential oil evangelists who might help reduce stress levels, but whose emails google keeps telling me I haven’t opened in 6 months. Do I want to stay unsubscribed?  Thank you, Google for helping me stick to the New Year’s plan.

This is the year that I will say “no” more often, or at the very least, think about saying no more often, unless it seems like it’s a really cool opportunity, which sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn’t and in any case, it seems appropriate to think about it for a little bit and just see what the words “Thank you for thinking of me but I can’t fit it into my schedule” feel like when I say them out loud.  I will also stop booking meetings so close together, allowing for time to sip tea quietly on the couch, or have a long leisurely teeth brushing session with possible extra flossing as I inhale deeply wishing I hadn’t unsubscribed from Julie and Hannah’s essential oil list which might be nice to smell while I’m inhaling so deeply over the sink that I’m not cleaning.

I will be less busy.  I’m not sure what this actually means, but it seems like a good idea.  I hear other people say it and they smile when they do, with those two creases between their eyebrows diminishing as the utter this phrase.  I will also work on my inter-eyebrow creases by making more appointments at the spa, which I will amble to and leave 10 minutes early to get to, even if it means waiting in the reception area reading a magazine about the travel I may have missed because I no longer know about which airlines fly where and when.

2023 is going to be full of space. Open space, that is.  The kind that you just sit and bask in or wallow in depending on how you feel about having extra time with nothing to do.  I know this will be good for me.  I can think  more about how I can fill the space in the future with meaningful activities that I may not be aware of right now, but which will become more apparent as I unsubscribe from the chatter and allow for the worthwhile emails to rise to the top of my inbox and make the necessary phone calls and/or web clicks that will take me to sites that might just change my outlook on life, or at the very least, help me learn some new vocabulary words or better understand the economy. 

I will have more time!  Time to nap and read the entire New Yorker article, order an appetizer AND an entree and write for more than the 15 minutes right before my writing group meets, and go to the bank in person  to deposit checks so I can converse with the teller,  ask them about their day instead of taking a photo of the check on our wooden dining room table and virtually depositing it with zero words coming out of my mouth, or eye contact beyond looking at the grooves of wood in the table which are lovely but don’t help me remember that I’m alive.

 Oh, how different it will all be. I can’t wait. I know I’ll be more fulfilled, less stressed, more relaxed. I can do all those things I’ve been putting off: finally cleaning out the basement, putting those extra glasses in the “Buy Nothing” group on Facebook applying hand lotion every day instead of just once in a while when I remember.  And when it’s over?  I’ll look back and reflect.  This was the year, I changed, became the better version of myself.  I can’t wait.