"Extreme" Peanut Butter!

Introducing…extreme peanut butter.  Yes, folks, this is not your average peanut butter, this is EXTREME peanut butter.  It not only sticks to the roof of your mouth but it actually attaches your tongue to your cleft and keeps it there for at least 17 minutes.  That’s right, this peanut butter is so peanut buttery that it will cause a piece of you to stick to another piece of you.    This will slow down your eating process and allow you to keep the taste of peanut butter on your palate for a longer than usual peanut butter experience! That is extreme.

Our peanut butter is so smooth and creamy that it will actually MELT the knife with which you are spreading it.  Make no mistake, the more you spread, the quicker your knife will dissolve. We consider this an excellent way to get additional iron into your diet. A high protein high iron food that you can easily spread on a piece of toast?  That is extreme. 

But wait, there’s more. If you like the chunky version, we have that too.  But be prepared. The chunks are more than just simple chunks of this luscious legume.  They are actually petrified pieces of peanuts that have been around for over 160 years and they will satisfy that need for crunch and chunk that you long for on certain days.  That is extreme.   

And the way our peanut butter meshes with jam? Well, you may not even want to stick around.  This peanut butter essentially is the one and true soul mate of all jams, jellies and marmalades.  It will start to make love to any jam that you slather on a slice of bread, be it baguette or 12 grain.  You did not just mis-read that last sentence. The jam and the peanut butter will begin copulating on your Orowheat right in front of you without any inhibitions.  It might make you uncomfortable at first but it is an amazing site to see.  That is extreme!

Lastly, our peanut butter can read.  It’s true, folks!  Our peanut butter is able to read books and magazines.  This was not planned, but just simply came about during our manufacturing process.  One day in the processing plant, we found our peanut butter reading its label aloud and we knew we had something special.   Bring your peanut butter on short or long road trips with your children and have it read them stories in the back of the car so you and your partner can have a conversation.   When your children tire of hearing our peanut butter read to them, you can invite them to eat it, which will also keep them silent for at least another 17 minutes (see above).    That is not only extreme.  That is miraculous.

 

On the Theme of RED

 

Are you ready,

to hear what I read on Reddit?

A red hot story of crimson truths about why our fiery future may not be so rosy.

This ain't like the heat of salsa, gazpacho or cayenne pepper, but rather...

Lava filled lungs, sunsets blazing and ladybugs gone.

Blood stained corporations, dripping rubies, who run red lights and say they are green,

cherry-picking news sound bites, and shaking their cock's comb while they crow "progress."

No one is coming to the rescue.  Not Santa Claus.  Not the fire engine.

No one notices the STOP sign.

Notes to Self #14

 Notes to Self:

1. It's not a big deal that you put the sock labeled "L" on your right foot, and the sock labeled "R" on your left, it just may be a good idea to stay mindful of your attention to detail.

2. While showering with Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Castile soap is like a lively ride on a stick of Wrigley's, it may not be optimal for certain areas of the body. Careful.

3. Keep up your fight to rid the world of leaf blowers even if it means awkward conversations with neighbors, random strangers, and surly chaps who sputter "I work for the city, lady.  Call THEM." 

p.s. Call them. 

Love, Me

Notes to Self #13

 Notes to Self:

1. So what?  Your Dentist told you he wouldn't work on your mouth until you sought counseling for your dentist-office-anxiety. I'm sure this happens to 7% - I mean - 47%-  of all patients?  Maybe the hypnotherapist he recommended could be a good thing.  They might also help you like zucchini and reduce the need for your nightguard.

2. The next time you decide to purchase a powdered mushroom beverage, be sure to consume within the year so you aren't faced with sipping a mug of hot water with large turd-like pebbles floating in it. 

3. Jury duty might be interesting. No matter that your "excuse" for getting out of jury duty was rejected by a clearly very uncompassionate Seattle Judge. $15/day is still $15! 

Love, Me

Notes to Self #12

Notes to Self:

1. It's not too late to get back to your goal of learning Spanish, even if your original enthusiastic proclamation lasted only one day. (Ok, two days, but the second day was mostly spent memorizing words for the vegetables you were hoping to buy at the Farmer's Market from Cabrera Farms)

2. Using that massage machine you bought in 1999 at a street fair may not have been the optimal way of addressing the wad of seized muscles around your upper spine.

3. How many staplers does one actually need? Right now you have five, and while, yes, they ARE all a little different, adhering pieces of paper to one another is not a regular necessity in your life. Should it becomes one, A stapler is likely to suffice.

Love, Me

Notes to Self #11

 Notes to Self:

1.  Grey hair is cool. Grey hair is distinguishing; Grey hair indicates wisdom and lived experience. Those do all sound great, but it's also ok if you are just not that delighted with watching your head turn a different color.

2. Sometimes a little moping is ok, especially when it means that a lot of laundry winds up getting done.

3. There's a good chance you may have more lip balm than you actually need.  Just something to think about the next time you are in the checkout aisle.

Love, Me

NoTES to Self #10

 Notes to Self:

1. Be sure to check the labels of the fashionably patterned and vibrantly colored shirts you pick up at Goodwill for something that says "maternity" before bringing them home unless you want to look like a human kangaroo.

2. Certain plants need to be watered every few days.

3. Turns out, when you write more than ONE note, you need to title these entries "NoteS to Self". Details, but important to grammarians.

Love, Me

Note to Self #9

 Note to self:

1. Having an intellectual crush on Adam Schiff is perfectly normal.

2. With all the women you know named KERstin, CRIstin, KristEN, KIRsten, KRIstin, Kristine and Christine, it's ok that you sometimes misplace the "e" or the "r" or "c". You are still a good person.

3. Face it. You just don't find potatoes that interesting.

Love, Me

Note to Self #8

 Note to self:

1. It's safe to say that your male orthopedic surgeon isn't going to offer a lot of integrative therapy advice for your knee, nor do is it a good idea to ask him "Where are all the WOMEN orthopedic surgeons at?"

2. Crying because of misguided decisions by senators is totally justified. Be sure you have tissues in your car when you listen to NPR.

3. Cloth napkins don't need to be ironed, despite the teachings from your parents.

Love, Me

Note to Self #7

 Note to Self:

1. As well-intentioned as you are about saving the planet, you still aren't ready for Cricket Protein Bars. (It's time to give them away. Yes, even the peanut butter ones. You tried.)

2. Leaving something on the stove for "just a minute" while you "check something" usually means a smoke alarm will eventually go off.

3. Crying while watching someone whom you don't actually know take an oath of office is now normal.  

Love, Me

Note to Self #6

 Note to self:

1. Just because it's only misting when you leave the house doesn't mean you shouldn't bring your umbrella (despite the fact that you "misplaced" 4 in the past year) because it's usually raining when you need to return.

2. Remember gloves (despite the fact that you "misplaced 4 pairs in the past 4 months) because hands in your pockets don't stay warm and aren't useful when you trip on the sidewalk..

3. Always wear a scarf, in case there is a draft. Oh, wait. You always do, no matter what season we are in. You are great.

p.s. WHY must there be so many drafts everywhere? I'm friggin freezing!

Love, Me

Note to self #5

 Note to Self:

1. You can TOTALLY drink a green smoothie in a wine glass

2. If you buy a painting in July, it's a great idea to actually put up on a wall instead of storing it behind a table for 6 months.

3. Remember to use up your under-eye cream before purchasing more so you don't have 4 different tubes in your bathroom cabinet. (Ok, 5 different tubes. Ok, 6. One's in the hall closet.)

Love, Me

Note to Self #4

 Note to self:

1. It's ok to eat a maggot every once in a while. Just remember to keep that sesame seed condiment jar closed.

2. Wearing reading glasses makes you look sophisticated.

3. Periodically having popcorn for dinner is ok while Trump is still our president.

Love, Me

Note to self #3

 Note to self:

1. Sitting on the couch doing nothing for 25 minutes is an excellent use of your time

2. You are probably not going to read those magazines from 2017, but keeping them for the past 3 years doesn't make you a crazy lady.

3. Your water pik misses you. Might be time to get back to it.

Love, Me

Note to Self #2

 Note to self:

1. When you leave food in your bike side bag for two weeks, it will eventually mold. This winds up being a waste of your time and makes for an unpleasant morning. 

2. You don't have to be Greta Thunberg

3. You feel better when you laugh, so do it more, even if you aren't truly laughing.

Love, Me

Note to Self #1

Note to self:

Jan 2, 2021

1. Everything takes twice as long to do as you think it will. 

 

2. Plan for at least 10 additional hours per week of silly, unavoidable, extra stuff that comes up which you need to deal with because life is the way it is. (Eg: Falling off bike and needing to get an Xray; Replacing computer cord. Looking for phone, reading glasses and keys several times/day.

 

3. Put things back in the SAME damn place so you can find them again.

 

Love, Me