The GUM Ban in the Purdy Household (how my mom might have written it)

Dear Children,

This notice is to announce that gum has been officially banned in the household.  Why?  Well. First off, you look terrible when you chew it – like a cow, like a street worker, like someone who is de-classe and has no manners.  

Secondly, it gives off a terrible odor of artificial junk.  Double Mint Gum is the exception here, but we’ll address the problems with that momentarily.    Bubble Yum, Double Bubble and Bazooka are never even to be mentioned to me.  Their sickly sweet, fake scent is enough to make me tear my dissertation out of the typewriter and gather that steaming saliva ridden ball of crap out of your mouth and throw it all in the garbage.  You don’t want to do that do you?  Did you hear me?  I am writing my dissertation on a typewriter.  That means it isn’t saved and I’d have to write it all over again.  It’s 1978 and no one has computers, not even you, so the fact that I am lording my typewriting  angst over you may not really have an impact, because you will actually be writing several papers on this same typewriter in a few years with no clue that a computer is even possible or that "backspace" is a word, that has nothing to do with the Starship Enterprise commanding space to stay back.

Happy Anniversary, Honey!

Happy anniversary, Honey!  I can’t believe it was  6 years ago today that we first met at that housewarming party I gave.  Oh, what a lucky day that was and so funny that you just happened to show up on my doorstep with guacamole at the exact moment that we had run out! I’m so glad Teddy forwarded that invite, even if it was by mistake.

I guess I should also say happy 6 month and 24 day anniversary of our wedding!  That’s right!  I remembered. And yes, it’s the  two week and one day anniversary of being back from our Honeymoon! 

It’s also the  4 year, 11 month and 15 day anniversary of the first day we kissed!  And, if I’m remembering correctly, my feisty spouse,  it’s the  4 year, 11 month and 14 day anniversary of the day we slept together.